I sit down to write, to let you few readers know how my life is going, and every time I do, I feel a pang of remorse. There is only one topic I ever want to write about. Only one topic that makes my insides hurt and my whole body cringe. Although I do not feel remorse every waking moment, I think about it constantly. I wonder when he will stop haunting my dreams. When I will be able to sleep at night without the fear of this man, who has become my own personal monster. I scurry across campus, in fear that we will meet. I look right and left and afraid of what I might see, but also, what I might miss. I wake at the crack of dawn, still half asleep, wondering if today is the day.
Every morning I force myself out of bed. I say a little prayer. I plaster on a smile. No one knows. None are privy to my thoughts. No one knows the fear I feel each time I open my door to face the world and all that it might bring. Every day I ask myself the same questions. When will it stop hurting? When will I be free to breathe again? When will I stop caring? Every night as my head lays on my pillow I wonder if the tears will ever stop flowing.
It can't hurt forever...right? One day I will wake up and my first thought will be "will I eat eggs or cereal for breakfast" instead of "will I see him today, or will it be tomorrow". One day I will be able to write quotes from love songs on my bulletin board instead of scriptures reminding me to trust in the Lord because He is the only one who can ease my sorrows. One day I'll feel normal again. Or is that just a fairytale I have fooled myself into believing? Just like I fooled myself into believing in love.
I can do nothing to stop the ache I feel in my chest, except continue living. I can do nothing to stop my endless worrying, except trust in my Lord. I can do nothing to prepare for the day I see him, except plaster on my smile and act as if he means nothing. I can do nothing...except breathe.
