Take A Moment

I just wanted to take a moment to be grateful.
I feel like lately all I do is focus on the negative things in my life. It's a taxing job! So here's to the little things I'm grateful for.
Food.
Shelter.
A Job.
Showers.
Clean Water.
Family.
Friends.
Scriptures.
Prayer.
Coloring Books.
Faith.
Being away from things really makes you grateful for them. Being away from friends who have the same standards as I do makes me realize just how precious those friendships are.
At this moment though, I think the thing I am most grateful for are blankets! If I didn't know better I would think my apartment is in the Arctic Circle!

You Read the Wrong Book

Work was pretty slow this morning, for the front desk and the kitchen. There is a man who works here at the Resort with me whom I will refer to as Z. He overheard my conversation with the lady I work with about how I am LDS (aka Mormon). For some reason he felt the need to tell me his opinion on my belief.
Z was raised LDS. He related an experience to me about when he was in his history class and how embarrassed he was when they started talking about Brigham Young and the trek out west. He didn't want anyone to know he was Mormon. In my mind that didn't make sense to me. For me, when we got to that part in history, I was anxious because I didn't want it to be portrayed incorrectly, but if it had been I would have stood up, and have stood up, to defend my belief and give my class and teacher the correct information. Never in my life have I been afraid to admit that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. 

Z continued to tell me about how when he was older he decided he needed to decide whether or not this church was something he wanted to be apart of. He rattled off a lists of books that he read during his research; biographies about Joseph Smith, books that supposedly told details of what goes on inside LDS temples, etc. He named author after author, which I googled and they all wrote anti-mormon literature. I noticed in this rant of his that he didn't mention reading the Book of Mormon. I asked, "Well, Z, did you read the Book of Mormon?" His reply, "I didn't need to, I have been hearing that garbage every Sunday since I was an infant." He then proceeded to tell me what I didn't know about my religion, what it really was about. 

I had to tune him out. I just wanted to cry the entire time he was talking to me. I couldn't get a word in edgewise and I didn't want to fight. So I just shut my mouth and tried not to listen until he was all out of breath.
I kept praying for a phone call or something to happen so that I didn't have to listen to him anymore. How could someone know whether or not my church is true if they haven't read the book that we learn and teach from? You can say what you want about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, but they are men, human men, they may be prophets but that does not make them perfect. Do you think that the Pope is perfect? I don't. And I don't expect him to be, he is human.
The church is perfect, but it is made up of imperfect human beings. That's why we go to church. I know without a doubt that my church is the one true church on this Earth. That may offend some, but I know it without a doubt. I know that Joseph Smith talked to God, that he restored the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet today. I know that I am a daughter of God. I know that He loves me. I know that the Book of Mormon is true, I know because I read it and prayed to know if this was true. I know that my family is sealed for time and all eternity, that even after we die we will still be together. I will be married in the temple and sealed to my husband and children. I will live worthy to enter temple doors. I will teach my children to the best of my ability and let God take over in places where I might falter.
I don't care what anyone tries to tell me. Let them believe what they want. But no one will ever be able to convince me that my church isn't true. I know it is. Nothing will ever change that, no matter how hard they try. 

Bitterness is Essential

In my scripture study tonight I read Doctrine and Covenants 29:39. (For those not of my faith, Doctrine and Covenants is a book of revelation given to Joseph Smith, the first prophet of our church). The scripture says; "...for if they never should have bitter the could not know the sweet."
This got me thinking about my life, especially my current situation. Moving sucks, if you've ever moved before you know that. With moving comes no friends, no social life and no fun. But looking back at all the places I have lived I don't know which place I would have wanted to miss out on. Granted, there are some places I didn't like, Georgia in particular, but I would have missed becoming friends with Olivia and Brittnee. You just have to make the best of moving.
The bitter: leaving great friends.
The sweet: making new friends.
Not only did this scripture have me thinking about moving, but also about dating.
My little brother likes to kindly remind me that every time he talked to me while I was at school I was with some new guy. Although that is not entirely true...there is some truth to it. Looking back at the guys I liked these past 7 months and the way things ended with each, most of the time they ended because they wanted things to end, not me. Yeah, it hurt, and yeah, it sucks, but with bitter comes the sweet.
All relationships must come to an end, except one. That one relationship is the reason we keep dating, the reason we keep putting out heart out there and getting it smashed, because in the end, we all just want our Happily Ever After.
Yes, I went through my share of boys this year, but you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.  Not that I was actually kissing all these boys! Maybe I have already met my Prince Charming and the reason it isn't working is because I'm not  ready to know, or he's not. Or maybe I haven't met him, and Heavenly Father isn't letting these other relationships work because He knows that something better is just around the corner.
Either way, I'm gonna let Him guide me on the path that I must take and trust in Him the whole way. I'll have the faith of a little child, and remember that to know the sweet, I must taste the bitter first.

Tell Me About You...

I cannot be described by words

But by my actions

There is not one thing that has made me

But every one thing became me

I am not a proper noun,

Adjective

Or verb.

I am who I want to be

Perfectly Me. 

One Door Closes...

I'm not sure why I was so ready to be done with my freshman year. Why did I want to go "home"? I'm sitting here in my "room" in St. George, UT and it's finally hit me that my family moved. We live in Utah and I have no friends. When I woke up this morning I debated on whether or not I should get dressed and put makeup on. But I figured what's the point? I don't know anyone out here, and don't really want to get to know anyone out here. I know that's a horrible attitude, but I'm not living here after this. I'll be here for five months and then I am moving back to Rexburg for good, well at least until I finish school.
I need to start unpacking, but that seems like such a waste and I don't know where to start. I still have to unpack my boxes from the move and my college stuff. But I don't have a bed, a dresser, or a closet. Scratch that, I have a dresser, but it's broke. I have a blow up mattress, with a hole.
I just need a friend. And a purpose.
Five months isn't that long...right?

The Last Time

Well, it's official. I will never be a Freshman again. How great is that? My Freshman year of college was such an amazing experience, it definitely helped me figure out who I am. I started out the year with a lot of difficulties set in front of me. Jeff and I had broken up, my family moved to Utah, I was in a new place with no friends and completely and utterly homesick. But there were so many people who helped me to become a better person and figure out who I am and what I want out of life and I want them to know how grateful I am for that.
My roommates have been the greatest example and a constant support system for me. Some of us didn't always get along, but we loved each other and knew that we could always count on each other, even in our darkest moments. We created friendships that I hope/know will last our entire lives. I will always be grateful for the friends they were to me and for the comfort they gave me.

Erika, I specifically want to tell you how grateful I am for you. I know I already told you in my letter, but I just wanted to quickly say how much I love you. You are my best friend and I could not have made it through these past few months without you. Even before you and I became so close, you were always the one to ask if I was okay and you constantly checked on me when I was crying (even when my mom asked you to). You are like my sister and I love you so much. Thank you for everything.




Then there's the girls of 417. I love you! You guys were always there when I needed to rant. It was so nice to have a place I could go to when my apartment became too much. You made me laugh, you let me cry and we could talk about anything. There was so much trust and that was such a great safety net to have. You guys, along with my roommates, were my family. I hope that we continue that bond in the semesters to come. I love you all so much.

How could I forget the boys that also influenced my life? There were a few who really stand out, Andrew, Tommy and Ulises. Andrew has been an amazing friend from the beginning and really helped me feel like I was fitting into this whole college lifestyle. He was my go-to guy, someone I could do the craziest things with but also have the deepest conversations. I am so grateful for him.
Tom really helped me figure out what I wanted out of my future, but he was also an amazing friend. I'm sure our friendship will last for years to come, or at least until one of us gets married ;) . We were open and honest with each other from the moment we met and I knew I could trust him with anything. Being his friend helped me realize that I'm ready for a real relationship and that I want someone who knows what he wants out of life. Tommy, you will always be one of my best friends. Thank you for helping me to become who I am today.

Ulises is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He is kind, generous and sincere. I have never met anyone else like him. I can talk to him about the most serious things, but also goofy things. He knows how to make me laugh when I'm having a hard day. He is that kinda guy who knows how to treat a girl. He's one of my closest friends and I know he will always be one. His mission will be an amazing  experience and he will have so much success. I can't wait for when he gets home and can tell me all his amazing stories.

I can't wait to go back in January and re-unite with my friends, but I also can't wait to make new friends. I'm excited for the relationships I will create next year. I know that it will be better than ever. Thank you guys for everything.

Flying Free

Many of you have followed along through my heartbreak this past year and I am here to tell you that it's officially over. On Sunday he came and picked up his stuff (which I moved from the box to a trash bag). Then on Tuesday we met to talk. He arrived 10 minutes early and was waiting for me. We sat down to talk and at first it was really awkward. He explained to me about his current girlfriend, and how he didn't actually cheat on me. I know that it doesn't seem like he was telling the truth, but I still know him so well and I know when he's lying and when he's telling the truth. He apologized up and down, I could tell how much this hurt him. Jeff is not the kind of guy who hurts people and seeing him today showed me that he really had been hurting. Not as much as me, and he realizes that, but he has been hurting.
There was one question on my mind the entire time that I was afraid to ask, why wasn't I enough. He knew there was something I was thinking that I wasn't asking, and he kept asking me what it was. Eventually I asked. He gave me a look that I know well, it blatantly says, "you're stupid." He told me that I am amazing, that he's sees that now more than he did when we were dating. He told me how he realizes how much he took me for granted then.
We actually had a very pleasant conversation and ended up talking for two hours! We just caught each other up with our lives and our family lives. It was weird how I still felt so comfortable around him. I will always care about him, but I know that I'm over him. It's taken long enough, right?
I'm glad that this chapter is over. It's time to start a new chapter in my life. Jeffrey free.