It's All Just Bullying

My mom and I saw the movie, The Help tonight. You know, we learn about Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr in school, but nothing really hits you. Nothing makes you understand just how awful it was for the African Americans. I've seen the old black and white newsreels of the police beating back protesters, or "washing" them away with the fire hose. To be honest, those didn't make an impact. Yes, it was awful to see people being treated that way, but they were just people without a name.
This was different. This wasn't just a lesson, it was a story with a face and a name. Their stories hit home.
I cannot adequately explain how I felt. I just sat there, holding back tears, thinking. I asked myself so many questions.
"If I had been raised back then, would I have treated African Americans like this?"
"How can people, made by the same Creator, treat each other this way?"
"Why did we, God fearing people, allow this to happen?"
But mostly I just repeated this next question over and over, "What would I have done?"
What would I have done?
These tears that I'm feeling now, would I still be sympathetic if I had lived then? Would I have been like Skeeter...or Ms. Hilly?
I want to believe I would be like Skeeter, sympathetic and yearning to help. There's no way to really know...
I wish that I could go back in time, tried to help out in someway. I...am speechless. Honestly, I have no words to describe how this makes me feel.
But it does make me think.
 Today I read an article about a boy who killed his gay classmate in 2008. He was just sentenced to 21 years in prison.
Today I heard on the radio about a man on death sentence for shooting and killing multiple Muslims after 9/11.
Today I realized that hatred of blacks was just like these two events, only much larger and they lasted much longer.
All of these events in history were all caused by bullying. That's all they are. Each is on a different part of the same spectrum.
I may not be able to go back in time and fix the mistakes of our ancestors, but I can be apart of the change now. I will not stand for bullying or ignorance. I can teach my children to be accepting of everyone, color, sexual orientation, religion, etc. I can stand up for those I see or hear being treated unkindly.
I don't want my children and grandchildren to look back on my time here on earth and wonder if I ever did anything to try and stop the violence.
I want them to know.

This Place I Once Called...Home?

I'm feeling a little like a nomad lately. I don't live in Idaho, I don't live in Zion and I don't really live with my family...so where do I live? Honestly, doesn't matter much as long as I have a roof over my head! The question that really gets me is, "So, where are you from?" Ha! Like I know! My best answer, "America." What else would I say? However, I have just moved from Zion National Park back in with my parents, for now. So, here are some pictures of the place I called home for a couple months.

Wild turkey that live in the mountains.

My favorite road sign. I always thought it was so clever. 

Take A Moment

I just wanted to take a moment to be grateful.
I feel like lately all I do is focus on the negative things in my life. It's a taxing job! So here's to the little things I'm grateful for.
Food.
Shelter.
A Job.
Showers.
Clean Water.
Family.
Friends.
Scriptures.
Prayer.
Coloring Books.
Faith.
Being away from things really makes you grateful for them. Being away from friends who have the same standards as I do makes me realize just how precious those friendships are.
At this moment though, I think the thing I am most grateful for are blankets! If I didn't know better I would think my apartment is in the Arctic Circle!

You Read the Wrong Book

Work was pretty slow this morning, for the front desk and the kitchen. There is a man who works here at the Resort with me whom I will refer to as Z. He overheard my conversation with the lady I work with about how I am LDS (aka Mormon). For some reason he felt the need to tell me his opinion on my belief.
Z was raised LDS. He related an experience to me about when he was in his history class and how embarrassed he was when they started talking about Brigham Young and the trek out west. He didn't want anyone to know he was Mormon. In my mind that didn't make sense to me. For me, when we got to that part in history, I was anxious because I didn't want it to be portrayed incorrectly, but if it had been I would have stood up, and have stood up, to defend my belief and give my class and teacher the correct information. Never in my life have I been afraid to admit that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. 

Z continued to tell me about how when he was older he decided he needed to decide whether or not this church was something he wanted to be apart of. He rattled off a lists of books that he read during his research; biographies about Joseph Smith, books that supposedly told details of what goes on inside LDS temples, etc. He named author after author, which I googled and they all wrote anti-mormon literature. I noticed in this rant of his that he didn't mention reading the Book of Mormon. I asked, "Well, Z, did you read the Book of Mormon?" His reply, "I didn't need to, I have been hearing that garbage every Sunday since I was an infant." He then proceeded to tell me what I didn't know about my religion, what it really was about. 

I had to tune him out. I just wanted to cry the entire time he was talking to me. I couldn't get a word in edgewise and I didn't want to fight. So I just shut my mouth and tried not to listen until he was all out of breath.
I kept praying for a phone call or something to happen so that I didn't have to listen to him anymore. How could someone know whether or not my church is true if they haven't read the book that we learn and teach from? You can say what you want about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, but they are men, human men, they may be prophets but that does not make them perfect. Do you think that the Pope is perfect? I don't. And I don't expect him to be, he is human.
The church is perfect, but it is made up of imperfect human beings. That's why we go to church. I know without a doubt that my church is the one true church on this Earth. That may offend some, but I know it without a doubt. I know that Joseph Smith talked to God, that he restored the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet today. I know that I am a daughter of God. I know that He loves me. I know that the Book of Mormon is true, I know because I read it and prayed to know if this was true. I know that my family is sealed for time and all eternity, that even after we die we will still be together. I will be married in the temple and sealed to my husband and children. I will live worthy to enter temple doors. I will teach my children to the best of my ability and let God take over in places where I might falter.
I don't care what anyone tries to tell me. Let them believe what they want. But no one will ever be able to convince me that my church isn't true. I know it is. Nothing will ever change that, no matter how hard they try. 

Bitterness is Essential

In my scripture study tonight I read Doctrine and Covenants 29:39. (For those not of my faith, Doctrine and Covenants is a book of revelation given to Joseph Smith, the first prophet of our church). The scripture says; "...for if they never should have bitter the could not know the sweet."
This got me thinking about my life, especially my current situation. Moving sucks, if you've ever moved before you know that. With moving comes no friends, no social life and no fun. But looking back at all the places I have lived I don't know which place I would have wanted to miss out on. Granted, there are some places I didn't like, Georgia in particular, but I would have missed becoming friends with Olivia and Brittnee. You just have to make the best of moving.
The bitter: leaving great friends.
The sweet: making new friends.
Not only did this scripture have me thinking about moving, but also about dating.
My little brother likes to kindly remind me that every time he talked to me while I was at school I was with some new guy. Although that is not entirely true...there is some truth to it. Looking back at the guys I liked these past 7 months and the way things ended with each, most of the time they ended because they wanted things to end, not me. Yeah, it hurt, and yeah, it sucks, but with bitter comes the sweet.
All relationships must come to an end, except one. That one relationship is the reason we keep dating, the reason we keep putting out heart out there and getting it smashed, because in the end, we all just want our Happily Ever After.
Yes, I went through my share of boys this year, but you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.  Not that I was actually kissing all these boys! Maybe I have already met my Prince Charming and the reason it isn't working is because I'm not  ready to know, or he's not. Or maybe I haven't met him, and Heavenly Father isn't letting these other relationships work because He knows that something better is just around the corner.
Either way, I'm gonna let Him guide me on the path that I must take and trust in Him the whole way. I'll have the faith of a little child, and remember that to know the sweet, I must taste the bitter first.

Tell Me About You...

I cannot be described by words

But by my actions

There is not one thing that has made me

But every one thing became me

I am not a proper noun,

Adjective

Or verb.

I am who I want to be

Perfectly Me. 

One Door Closes...

I'm not sure why I was so ready to be done with my freshman year. Why did I want to go "home"? I'm sitting here in my "room" in St. George, UT and it's finally hit me that my family moved. We live in Utah and I have no friends. When I woke up this morning I debated on whether or not I should get dressed and put makeup on. But I figured what's the point? I don't know anyone out here, and don't really want to get to know anyone out here. I know that's a horrible attitude, but I'm not living here after this. I'll be here for five months and then I am moving back to Rexburg for good, well at least until I finish school.
I need to start unpacking, but that seems like such a waste and I don't know where to start. I still have to unpack my boxes from the move and my college stuff. But I don't have a bed, a dresser, or a closet. Scratch that, I have a dresser, but it's broke. I have a blow up mattress, with a hole.
I just need a friend. And a purpose.
Five months isn't that long...right?

The Last Time

Well, it's official. I will never be a Freshman again. How great is that? My Freshman year of college was such an amazing experience, it definitely helped me figure out who I am. I started out the year with a lot of difficulties set in front of me. Jeff and I had broken up, my family moved to Utah, I was in a new place with no friends and completely and utterly homesick. But there were so many people who helped me to become a better person and figure out who I am and what I want out of life and I want them to know how grateful I am for that.
My roommates have been the greatest example and a constant support system for me. Some of us didn't always get along, but we loved each other and knew that we could always count on each other, even in our darkest moments. We created friendships that I hope/know will last our entire lives. I will always be grateful for the friends they were to me and for the comfort they gave me.

Erika, I specifically want to tell you how grateful I am for you. I know I already told you in my letter, but I just wanted to quickly say how much I love you. You are my best friend and I could not have made it through these past few months without you. Even before you and I became so close, you were always the one to ask if I was okay and you constantly checked on me when I was crying (even when my mom asked you to). You are like my sister and I love you so much. Thank you for everything.




Then there's the girls of 417. I love you! You guys were always there when I needed to rant. It was so nice to have a place I could go to when my apartment became too much. You made me laugh, you let me cry and we could talk about anything. There was so much trust and that was such a great safety net to have. You guys, along with my roommates, were my family. I hope that we continue that bond in the semesters to come. I love you all so much.

How could I forget the boys that also influenced my life? There were a few who really stand out, Andrew, Tommy and Ulises. Andrew has been an amazing friend from the beginning and really helped me feel like I was fitting into this whole college lifestyle. He was my go-to guy, someone I could do the craziest things with but also have the deepest conversations. I am so grateful for him.
Tom really helped me figure out what I wanted out of my future, but he was also an amazing friend. I'm sure our friendship will last for years to come, or at least until one of us gets married ;) . We were open and honest with each other from the moment we met and I knew I could trust him with anything. Being his friend helped me realize that I'm ready for a real relationship and that I want someone who knows what he wants out of life. Tommy, you will always be one of my best friends. Thank you for helping me to become who I am today.

Ulises is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He is kind, generous and sincere. I have never met anyone else like him. I can talk to him about the most serious things, but also goofy things. He knows how to make me laugh when I'm having a hard day. He is that kinda guy who knows how to treat a girl. He's one of my closest friends and I know he will always be one. His mission will be an amazing  experience and he will have so much success. I can't wait for when he gets home and can tell me all his amazing stories.

I can't wait to go back in January and re-unite with my friends, but I also can't wait to make new friends. I'm excited for the relationships I will create next year. I know that it will be better than ever. Thank you guys for everything.

Flying Free

Many of you have followed along through my heartbreak this past year and I am here to tell you that it's officially over. On Sunday he came and picked up his stuff (which I moved from the box to a trash bag). Then on Tuesday we met to talk. He arrived 10 minutes early and was waiting for me. We sat down to talk and at first it was really awkward. He explained to me about his current girlfriend, and how he didn't actually cheat on me. I know that it doesn't seem like he was telling the truth, but I still know him so well and I know when he's lying and when he's telling the truth. He apologized up and down, I could tell how much this hurt him. Jeff is not the kind of guy who hurts people and seeing him today showed me that he really had been hurting. Not as much as me, and he realizes that, but he has been hurting.
There was one question on my mind the entire time that I was afraid to ask, why wasn't I enough. He knew there was something I was thinking that I wasn't asking, and he kept asking me what it was. Eventually I asked. He gave me a look that I know well, it blatantly says, "you're stupid." He told me that I am amazing, that he's sees that now more than he did when we were dating. He told me how he realizes how much he took me for granted then.
We actually had a very pleasant conversation and ended up talking for two hours! We just caught each other up with our lives and our family lives. It was weird how I still felt so comfortable around him. I will always care about him, but I know that I'm over him. It's taken long enough, right?
I'm glad that this chapter is over. It's time to start a new chapter in my life. Jeffrey free.

I'm Over Being Lied To

As most of you know, Jeff and I set up a meeting for Thursday so I could return some of his things to him and he could give me his reasons for cheating on me. I packed up a box of his things and was ready to close that chapter of my life.
I left for the MC, our designated meeting spot, with my friend, Jallyn. She sat a few feet behind for moral support. I texted him at 3 and told him where in the building I was at. By 3:30 I still hadn't heard from him. I decided to call him. It went straight to voice mail. I was livid. Completely and utterly livid.
I left him a voice mail. I told him that I had been waiting for him for 30 minutes and I was getting ready to leave. I said if he didn't want to see me then he shouldn't have set up this meeting, that if he wanted his things he could come to me and get them. Needless to say he didn't reply. I still haven't heard from him.
I'm gonna go ahead and rant for a little bit, so bear with me. How dare he set this meeting up and then bail! Honestly, how childish can one person be? Was he like this for the 3 and a half years we were together? How did I miss this? The man I knew would have never done something like this, ever.
Let me make this clear, I am not upset that he stood me up, I'm angry that he thinks he can treat me this way. Cheating on me wasn't enough. It's a good thing I'm over this boy or yesterday would have torn me apart. I may still have his stuff, but he means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. On Tuesday a friend of mine asked if I still had romantic feelings for Jeff. I immediately answered no. I was however, afraid that talking to Jeff would stir up feelings of not being good enough. This friend told me to repeat after him the following phrase, "It doesn't matter, I'm over it." He had me yell it and say it with dignity. I am so grateful for his friendship.
Jeff is a child. I'm glad I am seeing this now rather than marrying him and finding out later. Oh the simple blessings of the Lord.
I am keeping his things in a box by my door for another week. If he doesn't get it by then, well, as all of my friends and family have said, burn baby, burn! Thanks for the memories Bud, I hope your current girlfriend doesn't have to spend as much wasted time on you to figure out what kind of person you are. Poor girl, she's probably totally blind sighted.

This is a song by Lenka called Bring Me Down. It fits perfectly into words what I am feeling towards Jeff at this moment.

A Friendly Encounter

I had another encounter with Jeff yesterday. This time he didn't run away. He turned and talked to me. It was just a simple conversation filled with pleasantries; "Hi, how are you? Where do you live? Where are you headed?" Nothing to exciting. I introduced him as my friend. What an understatement, but at the same time, an overstatement. We aren't friends anymore, we are hardly even acquaintances. He was my best friend, the person I ran too, now he's someone I knew a long time ago. Next month would have been our four year anniversary. How crazy weird is that? I don't miss him, but I do miss having that best friend.
We texted today. We've set up a meeting for Tuesday at 3. I'm going to give him some of his things that I have here at school and he's going to tell me his story on why he cheated on me. I'm not so sure how I feel about that. Seeing him and having a two minute conversation about nothing is one thing...hearing the reason I wasn't enough for him, that's another. I know I'm over him, the past three days have proven that, but am I ready to hear about his new girlfriend? To hear the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with tell me why he cheated. I don't think I'm strong enough to hear that. Strong enough to talk to him, but not about that. That's painful.
Luckily I have some amazing friends and they will be here for me when I need them. So expect a new blog on Tuesday!

Perfectly Chaotic

Have you ever had one of those weekends where everything seemed to happen at once? That was the story of my life. My crazy weekend started on Thursday and ended yesterday. Without going in to too much detail I will try to explain to you the self-realization I had.
To start off this crazy weekend one of my friends got in a fight and ended up getting 18 stitches near his eye. He's fine now, we were just all a little shook up watching the fight. He's a great guy though and I feel so blessed to be able to consider him a friend.
Friday-Saturday was a ton of drama. More than I even care to think about. It was one thing after another. At one point I thought I'd lost my roommate! She was attempting to be a good wing-woman but when she didn't show up at home I thought she'd been kidnapped! I'm so glad we found her and she was safe and sound next door the whole time. Life would not be the same without her!

Then on Sunday the weekend started coming to a nice clean close. A guy that had been a little rude to me, and I returned the favor, apologized and explained why he had been acting the way he was. We spent hours talking Sunday night instead of watching a movie with friends, which we had originally planned on. It was so great to be able to talk to him openly, and have him be so open and honest with me. He is a great friend and will continue to be for the rest of my life. In all honesty he has been an answer to my prayers and it took me a while to figure that out.
Sunday was a very tough day for me, but when it ended I was in a great place. I had the opportunity to go to the temple here on campus and just pray. I realized, from talking to this friend of mine, that my priorities were not in the right place. I was so worried about my social/dating life and school that I wasn't giving my Heavenly Father the recognition He deserves. Once I figured that out everything else in my life seemed do-able. This guy has the potential to be something amazing in my life, and for now, and maybe forever, it will be an amazing friend. I trust in the Lord and I know He put him here to show me that I can trust guys again, even if it's just as a friend.
Just as I thought the craziness in my life was coming to a close, Monday happened. Just a little something to jolt me back to reality. So, for those of you who are close to me, or have followed my blog a little, you know that I have been dreading seeing my ex-boyfriend, Jeff, since the beginning of this semester. Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, it happened. Before you start to worry about me, I'm fine, more than fine, I'm still laughing. I was walking to class on Monday, going the exact same way I have every Monday, Wednesday and Friday since April, and there he was, walking towards me. I was on the phone with one of my best friends, Chris Hurt, when out of my peripheral vision I see someone staring at me. I turn my head to see who it was and there he was, Jeff Watts. As soon as he saw me look at him he literally turned and ran. I immediately started laughing. I couldn't believe how immature he had acted. The moment that I had been dreading since April, seeing him, making eye contact, it was over, and all I could do was laugh.
What a sense of relief! It took me almost seven months to be able to laugh at the situation, to realize that I didn't need him and I really  am better than that. But I made it and I'm laughing.
Now it is Tuesday, nothing crazy has happened so far and I'm really hoping it stays that way. For now I'm just counting my blessings. I have amazing friends. I'm on a beautiful campus. My family is astounding and has helped me out with so much. I'm over Jeff. I'm ready to move on. My freshman year of college is coming to an end. The Lord loves me and really is looking out for me in everything I do. I'm so grateful for the friends I have made here in Rexburg and will miss them while I am away, and also those who won't be coming back. I can only sum up how I'm feeling at this moment in three words: Life is good.

Because it's Life...

Talking with a good friend of mine today about the frustrations of life I asked, "Why is life so difficult?" Her simple yet profound response, "Cause it's life."
Life is not suppose to be simple. It didn't come with a personalized book of guidance for each one of us. But wouldn't life have been so much easier if it had? Of course we have the Bible and as a member of the LDS church I have the Book of Mormon, and both of these books of scriptures give me an insight on how to live my life. They give me moral guidelines, but they don't tell me what to major in.
For me, at this moment, life is more confusing than ever. As I told another friend of mine, "College is the most important time in your life, you have to choose a major and a husband." It was meant as a joke, but it's so true. At least for BYU students marriage is a huge choice you make, usually during your college career.
This is not what I'm confused about however. Yes, men are confusing. Aren't they always? I have yet to meet one that hasn't thrown my mind through the wringer. Maybe I over think things...most likely. Maybe I over analyze things...most likely. If I didn't, I wouldn't be me.
As I'm ending my second semester and freshman year at BYU-Idaho I'm starting to worry because I have switched my major three times and I'm still not sure what I want to do. I have been considering Public Administration, but the school I'm at right now doesn't offer that program. Do I really want to not only switch my major and my school? I would most likely transfer to BYU South (More commonly known as BYU Provo). Not only would I be transferring schools and switching majors, I would be living in a whole new environment. Sorry to all those who feel a close connection with Utah, but I don't want to live there, not even for school.
So here I sit with so many dilemmas not knowing which is right. This is why I need a handbook for my life. Something specific that tells me exactly what I need to do...in every aspect of my life.
On a simpler note, today is a gorgeous day in Rexburg, Idaho. Couldn't have asked for a prettier day.

Photography and Editing is accredited to Cassi Dodge.

Water and Vinegar.

Father's Day is coming up! Since I am a poor college kid, and am even more poor now than I was for Mother's Day, I want to dedicate this blog to my daddy. Here's my favorite memory of the two of us.
If I was to pick a favorite memory of my daddy I would have to say it would be the vinegar water. We were living in Perry, Ohio at the time. Dad had been outside working on the garden, mowing the lawn, the typical Saturday activities for him. I'm not sure if I was told to get him a drink or if I just offered but for some reason I was getting him a glass of water. I decided that it would be really funny if I put vinegar in it. So I added some vinegar and took it out to him. As soon as he took the glass I started to get away, because I knew that once that water touched his lips I was dead meat. He ended up chasing me all over the yard. He never caught me, but he got close enough to throw the rest of the vinegar water on me! I reeked! As did my clothes and I had a church dance to go to soon after this event occurred.
I'm not really sure why this is my favorite memory, but it makes me laugh every time I think about it. My dad has taught me the value of hard work, but also how important it is to love your family and make time for them. I love you daddy!
Now I want to hear from you guys! What's your favorite memory of your dad?

Once Upon a Time...

To my dearest parents,
     Today is your anniversary! Twenty-one years!!! You guys have been together longer than you lived with your families. Most people now-a-days don't last this long. marriage isn't always smiles and roses, I know that to have a successful marriage you have to work at it. I have been blessed to live in a home with parents who strive everyday to have this happy marriage and a happy home.
     You two may not have a perfect marriage all the time, but who really does? The difference between your marriage and the marriages of the world is that you have a perfect knowledge of what your marriage can become. You have been my perfect example of what a real marriage should be; two people who love each other, who fight and get mad, and who work out their differences because they understand that it's more important to try and work things out then to not try at all.
     Out here are school I have met so many people who are wary of marriage and parenthood because they saw how unhappy their parents were in marriage. They saw first hand the effects of divorce. They felt the brunt of their parents unhappiness in the way their parents raised them. They are afraid that they will have a marriage like their parents. They are afraid their marriage will end in divorce. They are afraid of becoming the parents they had. I am not afraid of marriage and parenthood because of the examples you set for me.
     I know that the two of you didn't have the best home life growing up. I know that that was something you wanted to change together for your posterity. I am living proof that you did. You have stopped the cycle of abuse, the cycle of divorce, the cycle of unhappiness. You have raised children who love God, who love each other and who love you. We have been raised with moral, academic and personal standards. Together, you set the standard of marriage higher than your parents did and because of that, we will continue to set the standard higher. Your marriage has been the biggest factor in how successful your children are.
     I will never be able to explain to you in words how grateful I am for your example. When I am married I will continue on in the standards you have taught me. I can only hope that my future husband and I will be as successful as you. Thank you for your example. Thank you for doing everything you could do be the parents you are today. Thank you for loving me and helping me to stay on the right path. Thank you for keeping an eternal perspective in your marriage. I love you. I love that you have been married for so long. I hope the next 21 years are even happier than the last ones have been. Congratulations you guys. <3

The Sun Broke Through the Clouds

It happened. Life moved on. Although at this exact moment it is rainy in Rexburg, Idaho, there is sun in my life. The impossible became possible. Not only did it become possible, but I achieved it. I am moving on in my life and I don't have to pretend anymore. There wasn't a grand moment of recognition or a feeling that changed, it just happened.
Since then things have started to look up. Everything in my life is questionable. There are things I want and things I'm feeling and I'm trying to make sense of them. But for me to make sense of them I need one other persons input. You know when you want something so bad and you are afraid of losing it, or getting your hopes up? That's where I'm at. I'm afraid to let myself think. If I think too much I'll get my hopes up. If I get my hopes up there's a possibility I will be crushed.
If I was a super hero and I could have one power, I would want to read minds. Then there would be no questions to ask about what someone else is thinking. I would just know. I wouldn't have to worry about being hurt again, because I would know their intentions. I would know whether this feeling of home is real or not.
However, I'm not a superhero. I do have the Lord. So I'll just keep on praying...listening...waiting.

I can do nothing.

I sit down to write, to let you few readers know how my life is going, and every time I do, I feel a pang of remorse. There is only one topic I ever want to write about. Only one topic that makes my insides hurt and my whole body cringe. Although I do not feel remorse every waking moment, I think about it constantly. I wonder when he will stop haunting my dreams. When I will be able to sleep at night without the fear of this man, who has become my own personal monster. I scurry across campus, in fear that we will meet. I look right and left and afraid of what I might see, but also, what I might miss. I wake at the crack of dawn, still half asleep, wondering if today is the day.
Every morning I force myself out of bed. I say a little prayer. I plaster on a smile. No one knows. None are privy to my thoughts. No one knows the fear I feel each time I open my door to face the world and all that it might bring. Every day I ask myself the same questions. When will it stop hurting? When will I be free to breathe again? When will I stop caring? Every night as my head lays on my pillow I wonder if the tears will ever stop flowing.
It can't hurt forever...right? One day I will wake up and my first thought will be "will I eat eggs or cereal for breakfast" instead of "will I see him today, or will it be tomorrow". One day I will be able to write quotes from love songs on my bulletin board instead of scriptures reminding me to trust in the Lord because He is the only one who can ease my sorrows. One day I'll feel normal again. Or is that just a fairytale I have fooled myself into believing? Just like I fooled myself into believing in love.
I can do nothing to stop the ache I feel in my chest, except continue living. I can do nothing to stop my endless worrying, except trust in my Lord. I can do nothing to prepare for the day I see him, except plaster on my smile and act as if he means nothing. I can do nothing...except breathe.

My Tears

I wish I was a poet.

That when I put pen to paper the words came with ease and the hurricane that is ripping through the memories and the pain would come to an end.

If I was a poet I could use my words to tear down the wall you have built and make you understand.

But I am not a poet, so my tears will have to do.

I wish I was an artist.

That when you looked at my paintings you saw the blues, the blacks and the purples.

That when you saw them you knew that those colors have become the bruise where my heart once was.

But I also want you to see the red.

The red that represents the scar that starts on one side of my aorta and wraps around my heart until it reaches the other side.

But I am not an artist, so my tears will have to do.

I wish I was a songwriter.

My song would be in D minor and the words that I cannot say would become the notes that you find yourself humming every time you think of me.

If I could write a song, every word would have a hidden meaning that only you would understand.

But I am not a songwriter, so my tears will have to do.

But if I was a poet, would you even stop to read?

Would you stop to pick up the rubble the hurricane left behind?

Or would it lay there to rot until I got the courage to pick it up and put it in the darkest corner of my brain.

If I was an artist, would you stop to look at my painting and take in the colors that I put there just for you?

Or would you hang your head and walk on by?

Pretending you didn’t see it?

Just like you pretend that you didn’t break my heart.

If I was a songwriter, would you listen to what I wrote?

Would you let the notes seep into your heart?

Would you understand the words?

Or would you ignore my attempts to make sense of what you‘ve done to me?

I guess it doesn’t matter, for I am not a poet, an artist or even a songwriter.

I am nothing but a girl, picking up the pieces and for now

                                                              My tears will have to do.

"What is this feeling, so sudden and new?"

So, it's been a while since my last blog and okay the title is cheesy and from a song in Wicked, you'll deal. Being at college is such a weird experience. I think that being at BYU-Idaho (affectionately called BYU-I Do) has really changed my perspective on relationships. Before I came out here I was dead set on not getting married until I was a Junior in college. I was going to play the field and just see what Mormon guys are really like. My dating experience with guys from my own religion has been very scarce and not too pleasant. However, being out here makes you realize a few things.
1: You don't want to play the field
2: Not getting married until you are a Junior in college (as a girl) is not normal and it makes you seem kind of weird
3: If you do wait longer than most LDS girls to get married you feel kind of out of the loop
4: When you find that someone why would you want to wait that long?
5: There are couples everywhere and if you aren't one of them you hate seeing them
6: Now this is the most important one, Single Awareness Day is real. Couples call it Valentines Day, but that's not really what the holiday is called...it shouldn't really be a holiday.
There are guys out here who are a ton of fun and cool to be around. But there's always S.O.S. Girls, do you ever wish that guys were as open and honest about their feelings as we are? Talking to a friend of mine a few weeks back we were discussing how girls claim to love "mysterious men" but we don't. Why do we even pretend to like that? We hate being in the dark! When I like a guy I want to know if he likes me and what he's thinking. I don't want to be played or for him to send mixed signals. I hate being played and confused and I'm finding more and more that when it comes to guys, you are going to be confused and there's nothing you can do about it except wait and let them, in their own time, make their intentions known.  Sometimes people are afraid to open up, I know I am. I use to be an open book, but recently I have found myself closing off and becoming afraid to open up to others, mostly guys. Why trust someone I hardly know with any type of secret when I couldn't trust the one person who had my heart for three years? But I know I'm not the only one with that problem. That's been proven to me already. The difference between us though, is that I'm trying to trust again and I'm not letting my fears get in the way of how I feel about people. I might be afraid, but I can't stand here and be afraid for the rest of my life. I have to take a leap of faith and let God do the rest. Not everything is going to work out the way I want it to, and sure I may be heart broken in the process, but for now I am going to trust the Lord and hope and pray that others who have the same fear as me trust Him too. Otherwise nothing will work out for either of us.